Mud Slinging Corporate Board?
October 12, 2007
By Sassy

Amongst my giant collection of books, sits one with a fancy shiny metallic silver cover. When I take it off the shelf, I'm reminded how heavy the damned thing is. 503 glossy pages full of big shiny pictures of Kool-Aid, a dust buster, Listereine and goldfish crackers.

This beast of a book is the "Icons of the American Marketplace", published by American Benchmark Press . One of those delicious books that I would find irresistible at Chapters. If you buy it, be prepared to dig deep into your wallet.

Today I was delighted to see it contained information I would find useful in something I was writing. I sat down, with pen and paper in hand, and got ready to make research notes.

I started reading the biographies of the American Benchmark Press Advisory Board, normally I skip this sort of thing, but the ABPAB is listed as the author of the book and I always like to know a little about the voices that are talking to me. As I sipped my coffee I read about the "Cultural Elite". People with titles like vice president, internal consultant, director, professor, chairman. They even had a woman that looked like a real ball-buster. These people were described as excelling in their fields, and being highly regarded. Each profile reads like a resume of praise.

Then I reach Joel Stein's Biography:

Joel Stein is desperate for attention. He grew up in Edison, N.J., went to Stanford, and then worked for Martha Stewart for a year... Two years later he lucked into a job as a staff writer for Time magazine, where he has written... on subjects such as... - it being Time and he being a warm body in office - low carb diets.

Being desperate for attention, he has appeared on any TV show that asks him: VH1's I Love the Decade You tell Me I Love, HBO's Phoning It In, Comedy Central's Reel Comedy and E! Entertainments 101 Hottest Hot Hotties' Hotness.

He's also written lots of failed network sitcoms, which have paid him very well. This has made ABC his favorite brand in the world.

(American Benchmark Press Advisory Board, 2007. Icons of the American Marketplace: Consumer Brand Excellence. New York: American Benchmark Press.)

And the last two biographies continue with terms like executive producer, critically acclaimed, award winning, and graduating honors floating around.

Wow... Did Joel run over the writer's dog, or piss in the boardroom coffee maker? Was this a group effort?

I'm amazed it got to print! Don't take me wrong, I'm not the least bit offended. In fact, it made my day. That's the kind of entertainment I don't expect to stumble upon, particularly when washed in an aura of serious concentration.

I would have expected Mr. Stein to realized the copy being printed wasn't flattering and stop it. Perhaps they put his profile near the end thinking "The illiterate bastard won't ever read that far in."

Or... maybe he has a great self deprecating sense of humor.